Saturday, August 27, 2011

They were probably out looking for shovels.

Dear TxDOT:

Although I know you probably receive thousands of these letters, I wanted to write to you and express my gratitude for the complete closure of State Highway 121 this morning. I understand that the world does not run on a strictly 9-to-5 schedule and that, even though today is Saturday, many people in the area still had to go to work this morning. While the construction crew for this segment of highway was not actually among our number, the hundred or so of us stopped on the convenient one-lane detour you provided knew that, for the half hour we spent practically motionless, unnecessarily burning up a limited and expensive resource, they were with us in spirit. I would also like to compliment you on your decision not to announce this closure in advance, as I am sure that the waves of commuters adjusting their routes would have caused an undue increase of literally dozens of vehicles on each of several nearby roads that would otherwise have gone nearly untraveled at that hour of the morning. It is precisely this kind of thoughtful planning that makes you one of the finest Departments of Transportation in all of Texas.

Again, thanks for making me late. You owe me like $7.50.



P.S. I don't mean to complain, but we could really use a few more medians around here. Yesterday, I saw at least two different vehicles attempting to make a left turn rather than simply driving several more blocks and making a U-turn.

Monday, August 22, 2011

His name is Dennis Harnden.

If you came here today looking to be entertained, you're going to be incredibly disappointed, so you should probably just come back tomorrow. Except don't, because then you'll miss what might end up being the one serious, real thing I ever write here, which is partly because this kind of thing is never, ever allowed to happen again, ever.

​Two days ago, a friend died very unexpectedly. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t know how to write an obituary. I am very not good at death. I ​am good at coming up with a bunch of words that sound really great in my head, then completely losing my shit when I go to say them out loud or write them down, forgetting everything, and blubbering something incoherent or inappropriate. Usually both. This is probably happening right now. I’m also really good at getting drunk, which is not happening right now, but I kind of wish it were. Like the rest of my family, I may not be well-equipped to deal with loss, but I can avoid the shit out of it.

​I’m not going to get all philosophical and try to manufacture some kind of meaning for something that makes no fucking sense. I don’t always know why shit happens, or if it even happens for a reason at all. If it does, it’s beyond me. What I do know is that the world is a little bit darker now, and it’s going to feel like a really shitty place for a while because, frankly, it kind of is. My heart goes out to everyone who knew him, and although anything I can possibly do seems hopelessly insignificant, I'm going to try anyway. He was one of the most hilarious people I've ever met, and a much better snark than I'll ever be. This isn't half as good a tribute as he deserves, but it's the best I know how to give.

Dennis, we miss the hell out of you already.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

All your spam are belong to us.

Sometimes I watch The Matrix see all the crazy technological advances we're making and worry that we're teaching the machines to enslave us. Then I read the comments in my spam filter and realize that that will probably never happen because the machines:
a) Are really stupid. They don't even understand syntax, which is kind of critical for artificial intelligence. Have we invented artificial stupid? Because we really don't need any more of that.
b) All work for pharmaceutical companies and don't want to enslave us so much as sell us boner pills and weight-loss drugs.
Pretty much, you have to read it because I don't even know how to begin to explain it. It's the kind of thing that would give the Turing test a stroke:
Acne is known as pimples, lumps, and plugged pores that be published on the false impression, neck, face, shoulders, and caddy areas.
There is not undivided major element that causes acne and it is stimulated during hormones, put under strain, nubility, sustenance, and other factors.
The ra can also commonplace old hat the outer layer of your hide encouraging your sebaceous glands to start producing more oil.
No one is unsusceptible to fell blemishes when the conditions are there.
Now you have a defense against acne with Proactiv.
There are easily understood things your can do to prevent your acne from occurring in the first place.
In perpetuity, be gentle with your face. Unstintingly that is too vehement or stone-cold can trigger your sebaceous glands to bring up grease and hamper up your skin.
You should wash your exterior at least twice a lifetime to save up the bacteria levels to a minimum.
Do not against refer to your face. The hands bear the most bacteria and you do not to abode the bacteria here.
You should also lave your hands numberless times a day. This settle upon pinch keep the bacteria levels not up to par in case you patch up your face.
Benefit of women who function makeup don lubricant sovereign or hypo-allergenic makeup by reason of susceptible skin.
Men should use antiseptic products in spite of razor long that are designed to empty remove the pores and moisturize the skin.
It's like a thesaurus threw up on me. I need to go wash my exterior. At least twice.