tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39763880134433809912024-02-19T22:39:20.627-06:00snarkTotally safe for work (if you're a sailor).Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger83125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-65713313034870622362014-08-25T22:37:00.001-05:002014-08-25T22:37:38.955-05:00Of Ice and MemesSo, yesterday, my dad called me out for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. Now, if you've been living under a rock or something, and you've chosen today to come out and check on the rest of the world, first of all, welcome back. Secondly, the idea behind this is to raise money to study and fight ALS—amyotrophic lateral sclerosis—which you might know better as Lou Gehrig's Disease. It's a degenerative Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-41182233312449081362014-08-12T21:50:00.003-05:002014-08-12T21:50:54.863-05:00"Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"
I've been mostly avoiding the internet since last night, and I'll probably continue to do so for at least the next few days, given that basically everything online right now comes with a giant trigger warning for depression and suicide—doubly so if you are a humorist dealing with either of these issues. To compound all that, I stupidly let my meds lapse last week, so I missed taking them Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-22657518532903884172014-02-05T16:09:00.000-06:002014-02-05T16:09:24.335-06:00This is not how you Wednesday.I decided to start my day off from work today in my favorite way ever—by waking up an hour earlier than usual, getting dressed, and driving 40 minutes to work for a mandatory 45-minute staff meeting. For extra fun, I followed that up by getting personally called out into the hall and bitched out for not dressing at least business casual for this meeting, which took place before we were even Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-39075765100267532362013-12-18T08:00:00.000-06:002013-12-18T08:00:07.453-06:00"Fire!" isn't the only thing you can't shout in a crowded theater.So, my wife and I went to see The Desolation of Smaug last weekend. Granted, it's been probably almost 15 years since I last read The Hobbit, but there were still quite a few things in the film that I just don't remember being in the book. Like Legolas. Or the incessant oh-my-Jesus-fuck-the-seemingly-awesome-magical-ring-is-actually-Sauron's-fucking-Horcrux foreshadowing. Or Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-55447577911073191882013-10-22T07:00:00.000-05:002013-10-22T07:00:13.491-05:00First post in three months, and all you're getting is this crappy joke.The other day at work, I found this case of bottled water that was labeled "Programming Water."
I was intrigued, so I figured I would test it out to see if it actually worked:
Yes, that is tape holding the brew basket shut, because we are classy motherfuckers. And because it spills all the fuck over everything otherwise.
And it did—but it only does Java.
Oh, and Python.
Yes, I knowUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-74814793689646478902013-07-28T19:45:00.000-05:002013-07-29T10:03:03.223-05:00I should have known something was up.The other day I was watching Game of Thrones and eating some burritos before derby practice, and all of a sudden Sana jumped up on the table in front of me and started being aggressively affectionate—licking my face, giving me headbutts, and purring like crazy. She did this for like half an hour, until I finally had to move so I could get ready for practice.
When I went to put on my ankle Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-36496061660029745042013-07-22T10:00:00.000-05:002013-07-22T10:00:06.636-05:00The Hitchhiker's Guide to Minnesota.Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Midwestern United States lies a largely unregarded purple state whose Scandinavian-descended life forms are so amazingly nice that they still think helping every potentially-axe-wielding stranger they encounter on the side of the road is a pretty neat idea.
One Thursday, a boy driving on his own in the dead of winter suddenly Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-43402133507978609802013-07-12T10:00:00.000-05:002013-07-12T10:00:02.644-05:00You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.In case you missed it, a couple weeks ago, the Texas state legislature almost passed the Barefoot Pregnant Women Act, but the bill died as the special session expired at midnight after a heroic filibuster by Senator Wendy Davis. The very next day, one of the biggest pricks in the history of ever the governor called another special session and told them to pass the exact same bill, which made it Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-49408937862618766862013-07-04T11:58:00.000-05:002013-07-04T12:00:56.234-05:00'MURICA!
Today's news according to Good Morning America at our hotel breakfast:
David Hasselhoff is advertising some convenience store and singing about coffee.
Jay-Z and Beyonce's kid is some number of months old.
One Direction is on fire, apparently.
Some lady dry-rubbed a cock chicken yesterday and is putting it on the grill today to heat it up.
Egypt is still a country, I think? They breezed over Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-36841135957775730802013-06-28T12:50:00.001-05:002013-06-28T12:51:38.300-05:00This is why we can't have nice things. (Spoiler Alert: My wife is pretty much the most awesome person ever.)Last year, I took my wife to New Mexico for her birthday. It was awesome, and you should be like nine kinds of jealous. On the last day we were there, we went to the Rattlesnake Museum in Albuquerque.
Look how cute she is! I am also in this picture.
They have more types of rattlesnakes there than you probably knew existed, unless you're some kind of herpetologist. A lot of them are actuallyUnknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-15796047404524489212013-06-26T22:42:00.000-05:002013-06-26T22:42:03.965-05:00What the Fuck Just Happened in Texas: TL;DR Edition.You may have noticed that the interwebs have been blowing up over the past 24 hours or so with stuff about the Texas Senate and hashtags like #standwithwendy. Amidst all the tweeting and tumbling, I've noticed that there have been a few people who have no idea what's going on, probably because they couldn't seem to find anything about it on the news. I know that a lot of people don't have the Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-84926549023711657632013-06-14T00:24:00.002-05:002013-06-14T00:24:52.833-05:00Apparently my day wasn't exciting enough for the Gamemakers.I don't actually keep a written list of all the things that I don't expect to happen to me on any given day because it seems like a really weird waste of time, even for me, but if I did, I'm pretty sure that "getting hit in the face with a giant fireball" would probably be way the fuck up at the top of it every single day. Today, though, I would have been wrong.
The whole thing started whenUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-12356082412618307002013-06-05T12:56:00.002-05:002013-06-05T12:56:48.903-05:00How to love a Yankee Candle.I bought a Yankee candle for my mom a little while ago, and they put these little instruction cards in the bag because apparently they don't understand that the type of people who need a six-step set of instructions on how to use a candle are exactly the people who shouldn't be allowed to use them in the first place.
Today I found one of the cards at my desk at work, and actually bothered Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-47845898226254408052013-05-14T07:30:00.000-05:002013-05-14T07:30:01.946-05:00The following is a true story. The names have not been changed. Fuck the innocent.I promised a while ago that I'd tell the story about the time my friend and I were accused of running an actual mafia at school. This is that story. [Law & Order clang]
"Introduction"
It was probably 6 months after Columbine, in a school of about 330—that's K-12. If you've ever lived in a small town, you already understand that the primary form of entertainment is talking about other Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-32515088178936665412013-05-12T20:45:00.000-05:002013-05-12T20:45:20.891-05:00Cats are terrible editors.So, I had this great idea that I was going to try to write this morning, since I finally got a chair so I could sit at my actual desk that is not a coffee table at the couch in front of the TV because apparently that is a recipe for watching a shit-ton of Adventure Time, but absolutely no productivity.
Sana wrote the original caption for this picture, but I had to move it because it went rightUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-42591819868320693772013-05-02T13:34:00.000-05:002013-05-02T13:34:45.928-05:00Librarians are probably the most polite paparazzi ever. Or the politest. I don't know, I'm not Merriam-Fucking-Webster.So, I had this whole post ready to go about how I broke my ankle at roller derby practice a few weeks ago where I was going to complain about how I always have to have people carry stuff for me and how I can't skate again until probably June, or how fucking exhausting it is to have to do a thousand miniature pole-vaults just to get anywhere, but then something happened on Saturday that made it&Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-18561894225008510762013-04-25T07:30:00.000-05:002013-04-25T07:30:04.227-05:00I read it in the paper, so it must be true.I'm not sure if we've hit some kind of weird generation cycle on the interwebs, or if it's suddenly 1998 again, but in the past week or so, I've seen like a shitzillion posts about things like the Robin Williams peace plan, lottery winners giving out millions of dollars if you share their pictures on Facebook, and Super Venom Ass Spiders. We're just a gas station AIDS needle and a stolen kidney/Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-86594156750888485302013-04-15T23:43:00.000-05:002013-04-15T23:43:08.332-05:00For Boston.I had planned to post something today whining about how I broke my ankle last week and how much it sucks that I won't be able to skate for a couple of months. I'll still post it eventually, but not today. Today there are people who will never walk again because they lost limbs—or lives.
My heart goes out to all of them. It goes out to their families, and to all of those who are still missing Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-9993375586807434392013-04-01T19:57:00.000-05:002013-04-01T19:57:40.139-05:00Holy shit, you guys. This is real.I'm about 167% sure this is just one of Google's April Fool's Day things, but this just happened and if it's not I don't know how to make sense of the universe anymore.
About a year ago, I submitted a redesigned snark logo to the Sparks McGee tumblr, which was, in turn, based on this blog post by Wil Wheaton. Since then, I've noticed that a lot of people are finding me here by searching for "Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-7683192234848521102013-03-31T21:37:00.002-05:002013-04-02T10:57:14.734-05:00Something clever about Easter.Conversation between me and my wife today:
Me: Some horrible pun about the road being tired because probably there was a tire laying in it.Her: Maybe it had too much ham and candy.Me: Now I have Marcy Playground in my head.Her: God, that's horrible!Both of us, singing: "I smell ham and candy..."
Yeah, this is what we're like, pretty much all of the time. It's awesome.
Also, if you don't follow Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-21915725861124518742013-03-28T12:37:00.000-05:002013-03-28T12:37:54.240-05:00I never could get the hang of Thursdays.Some days are just assholes. By the time you get out of bed, they've already been awake for hours, coming up with ways to be a dick to you. Especially Thursdays. It's like their entire purpose is to make goddamn sure you don't take Friday for granted. Last Thursday was one of them. It started out like every other day, with the strident noises at ass o'clock in the morning.
Every. Fucking.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-30196704433134438532012-12-04T10:45:00.000-06:002012-12-04T10:45:46.976-06:00This is pretty much how the American Dream works, too.You know how everybody always says that if you just work hard enough, eventually...you'll burn yourself out? Well, that's true. Wait, no, it's "if you work just hard enough every once in a while, something good will happen, probably. If the right people happen to be looking." And that's true, too. Which brings me to my point:
I WON SOMETHING!!!
It's a major award.
The Cat Lady, who doesUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-86850629364170693462012-10-30T14:24:00.001-05:002012-10-30T14:24:16.319-05:00PROTIP: You always generate more interest if you call it "Apocalypse Prevention."The city that I work for just emailed everybody a press release for its 2012 Arborfest celebration, which went something like this:
Spend some time enjoying the outdoors with your family this coming weekend while learning more about the dozens of different trees in ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZfuckingboring.
I was pretty much asleep for the rest of it, but I thought I also caught something about a Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-56510963124930103302012-10-24T18:03:00.000-05:002012-10-24T19:25:21.924-05:00Is there a "Donald Trump Is a Giant Asshat" Foundation?Disclaimer: This isn't meant to be a political post, so much as an explanation of the reason I just had to say, out loud, at my desk at work "What the actual fuck?"
Second Disclaimer: The following video represents 3 minutes of your life you will never get back.
For those of you who've had the incredible fortune of never having heard of Donald Trump, this is the moment when your blissful Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3976388013443380991.post-33702758484720134652012-10-23T07:49:00.000-05:002012-10-23T07:49:00.569-05:00I've never been prouder.This just happened, and it's made of awesome.
So, first of all, both of our cats are pretty much in love with books, and they'll come lie by/on my wife and me for story time. We thought it mostly had to do with the fact that they love to lie on them, but they've just pretty much proven that they're only interested in good books.
Sana is a Harry Potter fan. I'm pretty sure she's a Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0