Second Disclaimer: The following video represents 3 minutes of your life you will never get back.
For those of you who've had the incredible fortune of never having heard of Donald Trump, this is the moment when your blissful ignorance comes to a tragic end. If you can get past the arbitrary shouting (I think he may be part Dalek), you'll discover one of our nation's foremost satirists.
I think it's hilarious how he pretends to be demanding something as ridiculous as President Obama's college applications, as if it were required that he not only have gone to college and done well, but that he'd written an eloquent personal statement to get accepted in the first place. The ransom video format was a nice touch as well. "If you don't provide all these documents to my satisfaction by 5pm on October 31st, I won't donate 5 million dollars to charity!" Classic! He completely lampoons the way we distract ourselves from issues that actually matter by debating semantics or accuse another party's candidate of being ineligible for the office rather than just saying why we think they'd be bad for it. He's totally got me imagining Obama playing the President in one of those movies where he has to go "We do not negotiate with terrorists!" "But Mr. President, they've got our transparency!" "Shit, we've got to stop them! Call the Registrar's Office! Yeah, ask for Jack Bauer."
On the subject of transparency, Ana Marie Cox wins the Internet for this tweet:
Trump promises Americans that for $5m, "their president will become transparent," but didn't Clint Eastwood already do that trick?
— Ana Marie Cox (@anamariecox) October 24, 2012
I'm glad we've got Donald Trump to keep us focused on what's important in this election. President Obama is the only President in the history of this country not to release his college applications and transcripts or his passport application, and it is unacceptable that we as a nation should know so little about our leader—there's Never. Been anything. Like it. In fact, I propose a constitutional amendment to require stricter documentation of a presidential candidate's background, including all of the following:
- Birth certificate
- Long-form birth certificate, or whatever it may be
- Dated, geotagged video of live birth
- Baptismal records
- Handwritten letter of recommendation from both grandmothers
- College applications and transcripts
- Passport application
- Gym membership
- Prescription history
- Urine sample
- Third-grade essay entitled "What I Want to Be When I Grow Up."
- March Madness brackets going back at least 10 years
- American Idol tryout video
- Proof of Fermat's Last Theorem
- Vial of unicorn tears
- Tax returns (unless potentially damaging to the candidate's campaign)
Seriously, if the President actually does this—after I finish bashing my head against the wall—I hope he'll consider the Donald Trump Is a Colossal Wank Foundation.
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