Fruit2Day

Americans have long been known for embodying all seven deadly sins, but until recently, we had been content to do so one at a time. Envy, pride, wrath–we were at leisure to switch out our vices to meet the specific need of any given moment. No longer! In today’s fast-paced world, Americans simply cannot afford to have our sins competing for our attention; we must learn to multitask.

One of the biggest drawbacks to gluttony is that such a high level of consumption makes us lethargic. This crossover into the domain of sloth means that, once we have eaten all the food in our immediate vicinity, we lack the motivation or even the energy to go in search of further overnourishment. This could lead to delays of up to 30 minutes as we wait, not eating, sinning only singlefold, for Domino’s or Calorie Express or who-the-fuck-ever to deliver us from our quandary.

Fortunately–and apropos–the folks over at Hero have brought us a solution: Fruit2Day. It’s 2 full servings of fruit without all the inconvenience of actually having to remove a peel or even chew! No longer will our rampant laziness prevent us from eating any time, anywhere we can muster the minimal energy necessary to lift a roughly 7-ounce bottle. Even better, because it’s fruit, it provides the illusion of being healthy, so we can also incorporate a small measure of a third deadly sin: vanity. Take that, only moderately evil citizens of other countries! Americans may celebrate mediocrity in every other aspect of our lives, but I’ll be damned if we’re going to tolerate that in our deadly sins.