causticsnark@gmail.com
A few notes about contacting me:
One
I am very not good at email. If you ask me a question and don’t get a reply within a couple days, please consider emotions other than surprise or anger. If you don’t get a reply within a couple weeks, perhaps a gentle reminder that you’ve emailed would be appropriate. Ex:
Hey, I emailed you about Xty-thousand days ago, and you still haven’t replied to me. Are you that absent-minded, or are you just a jerk? What the crap is wrong with you, you absent-minded jerk?If your name isn’t Stevie McSocrates, you should substitute your own name there. If your name is Stevie McSocrates, and you’ve survived your childhood, well done.
Your friend,
Stevie McSocrates
Also, I see you’ve referred to me as your “friend.” I’m going to assume you’re using the more recent, and much looser definition “person who has been to the same website as you.” It’s ok. I understand. You kids are growing up in a different time, and the language is changing, for better or worse. If you use it as a verb, I will punch you in the spleen.
Two
If you do choose to write me fan mail, please remember that I am also very not good at taking compliments. I will credit this to/blame this on having grown up in the Midwest, where the 11th Commandment is something like “Thou shalt not politely or unawkwardly accept a compliment, else shalt thou be dropkicked by mine only Son Jesus,” depending on which translation you’re reading. I’m touched (as, probably, are you if you feel the need to lavish praises on me anyway), but I’m really not equipped to say anything other than “um, thanks.”
If you do choose to write me hate mail, you are a horrible person with no soul, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you’re probably not, and I’d at least like to say that it doesn’t bother me that much, even if it does. I’ve never, to my knowledge, been an automatic writer, so if I’ve written something that has offended you, or you just find me incredibly unfunny, I probably wrote it on purpose. Maybe you should try not doing/being whatever it was that I was making fun of at the time, and then you won’t have to be offended. This Cliché-A-Day calendar that we used to have in our kitchen had a page that said “offense is always taken, never given.” Think about that. Then think about the fact that I probably didn’t come to your house or job or wherever you found me and make you read anything. You’re a big boy/girl, and you can make your own decisions. You probably could have been doing something you enjoyed during the time you spent composing your nasty letter to me. Unless you enjoy composing nasty letters to people, in which case I could send you some names and addresses.
Three
I’m somewhat conflicted about the idea of taking suggestions for posts. Part of me embraces the idea, because it means less work for me. The other part of me knows that people can get really weird about that sort of thing; e.g., people feel hurt if you choose not to use their ideas, or feel like you’re not giving them proper credit if they suggest something you already had in the works. I’m not categorically forbidding you from sending me ideas, but I am warning you that you don’t get to get all emotional if you send me something and you don’t like what I do or don’t do with it. If you want to secretly feel proud when I do write about something that you suggested, that’s ok. I’m not going to stop you. I might even mention you. Maybe. Then you can be pretend famous, too!
