Tuesday, November 22, 2011

This calls for a picture of Wil Wheaton collating.

So I got an email at work yesterday from a vendor who wanted me to drop about a thousand bucks on like 8 DVDs. It's relevant to point out that my email address at work includes my name, because the email began "Dear Jack Goodell." I have no idea who that is. Unless that's the name I use when I'm running around the country setting up fight clubs.

It continued, "Since we talked last year..." I didn't even work here last year, but apparently, during this prescient conversation, my alter ego requested that this guy touch base in late October. It's November. Twenty-first. The sale ended in October.

Also, "Remember Bob Barker and the Price is Right? Well we hope our prices are right" is the cheesiest sales pitch I've ever gotten. I do remember it. I used to watch it with my grandparents all the time. It was great. It's also completely irrelevant unless the DVDs you're selling are actually of The Price Is Right, and you think I'm 65. Even the penis pill spambots have better sales pitches than that because they don't go "hey, remember Andy Griffith? Click here for free Viagra!" Although, come to think of it, that would probably actually work because it's appropriate to their target demographic. So even if they did say that, they'd still have a better sales pitch than you.

And "We are aware of your recent budget cuts" is probably the worst way I could ever think of to get someone to buy something. "Hi. I know you're broke as shit, but here's something really expensive. I'm sure you'll be interested now that I've reminded you that you have absolutely no extra money to spend on stupid shit. Also, it was on sale last month, but that's over now. How many would you like?"

You get an F. And a picture of Wil Wheaton collating. How many would you like?

Courtesy of The Bloggess.