I signed up for a credit card recently, because that’s what you have to do now if you can’t afford something right this second–it used to be called layaway, but we’re too goddamn impatient for that bullshit anymore. Save up? What the fuck does that mean? Not spend my money now? What are you, some kind of fiscal terrorist? You un-American bastard.
So I signed up for this credit card, and when the first statement came, there was this little brochure with it that said “You’ve earned the credit. Now you can protect it!” Credit insurance! Two of my favorite things, now in one convenient package!
Thank God for that. Now I can spend scads of money I don’t have, and I don’t have to worry about damaging my credit rating if I also get my ass fired! Otherwise, I’d have to deal with my credit score ripping up my furniture and pissing on my floor, and then I’d have to get a job at the Renaissance Fair. Apparently.
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