Saturday, March 5, 2011

I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground.

This exchange happens almost every single day. I blame you.

Some day that people have to work, 8 AM:

Dear Jake: Someone you went to high school with, but haven't seen in ten years has started playing [insert any noun in the fucking English language]ville! We think that this is the most important and exciting part of your day! From now on, we will send you an update every time this asshole clicks, blinks, or breathes while using Facebook! You're welcome! Sincerely, Zynga, probably.

Me: X

Dear Jake: We've noticed that you clicked "X." However, it is not possible to hide this application at this time because we hate you. Please wait until we send you this exact same notification five minutes from now. Sincerely, Zynga again.

The same day, 12:30 PM:
Dear Jake: We've bought an unabridged dictionary, and are using every noun in the English language to expand the "-ville" series! In addition to classic games such as Mafiaville, Farmville, and Dumbville, you will soon be able to enjoy games such as Pilcrowville and Vibrissaville! And don't worry about missing a single update we're upgrading to new servers built on the ashes of 1000 acres of rainforest! These ultra-powerful servers run on unicorn blood, and we promise you won't ever have to see a single relevant item in your news feed again! Sincerely, the kind of people who would probably actually do this.

Still the same day, 2 PM:
Dear Jake: We're not entirely convinced that any of your friends have jobs. If they do, you should consider applying for a position wherever they work. You don't actually have to do stuff there. Ever. Also, here are four hundred more updates on Nounville. P.S. You can hide them, but tomorrow we're changing "-ville" to "City" and re-releasing every game you've ever hidden. You're welcome. Sincerely, the people who have made more money off of this than you will in earn your entire fucking life.

My favorite part is that Dumbville was actually a real game. You apparently start out as the village idiot, and try to eventually become the Mayor of Dumbville. I'm pretty sure you actually win just by playing. Then again, I'm into irony like that.

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