If you say "online resources" again, I will punch you in the throat.

Remember how, in ancient Greece, if you were an insufferable douche, the people could get together and vote you out of society, Survivor-style? It's time to adopt that again. For the good of society. Among the first ones to go: people who ask you for help because they don't have a clue what they're doing, then proceed to ignore everything you say and just do whatever the fuck they were doing before you got there. Imagine a world where I never have to have this conversation again:

Her: I'm trying to find out how to search your website to see if you have something.
Me: OK, you'll start, of course, by going to our website. [I give her the URL]
Her: OK
Me: You should see a link to the catalog in the upper right-hand corner.
Her: I see "hours," "online resources..." Should I just go to "online resources?"
Me: No, that's not the right page. Look above that and to the right. It should say "Go to Catalog."
Her: I don't have what you have. [I assume that by this she meant the ability to follow simple instructions instead of banging around on the keyboard like a monkey writing a draft of Hamlet] Should I just go to "online resources?"
Me: No. You should see a search bar up in the corner. Just above that is the link you're looking for.
Her: I see the search bar, but there's nothing above it. Here, I'll go to the next page. [She starts reading off every link she can see on the page]
Me: What? Next page? There is no next—I have no idea what page you're on.
Her: I'm on page 3...
Me: Page 3? What the f—did you just do a Google search for the website?
Her: Yes.
Me: picardfacepalm.jpg

Also on the list:

• Hipsters
• Anyone who makes a commercial with a talking baby.
• People who say "I'm computer illiterate (tee hee!)" like it's a point of pride. Especially when they actually mean "do everything for me."
• Every website with a flash intro that you can't skip or obnoxious background music that plays at 900 dB.
• Anybody who refers to a room in their house as a "man cave." The correct term is "penis parlor." Also, you're a douche.
• Hipsters (again).
• The person at our old apartment whose car alarm would go off for about three hours straight every Saturday morning.
• The Corn Refiners Association. (I'm not going to stop drinking soda, but seriously, stop calling high fructose corn syrup "natural." You're assholes, and it insults everyone's intelligence).
• I would have put that creepy-ass mascot from Burger King on here, but apparently that's already happened.

This is by no means everybody. Who's on your list?