What's sad is that this is probably *exactly* how our future kid would learn to talk.

A few weeks ago, I had to do a factory reset on my phone because it suddenly decided to get half-my-media Alzheimer's and also to change all my alarm sounds from loudasfuck.mp3 to a quarter-second of a sound that may actually have been called "Pin Drop."

Of course, the conversation in the Verizon store went something like this:

Me: About a week ago, my phone started acting like a douche.
Verizon: Have you tried rebooting it?
Me: About four times a day.
Verizon: Have you tried the other reboot where you take the battery off?
Me: See previous comment.
Verizon: Have you installed any third-party apps? Because it's totally always their fault.
Me: It started exactly when I installed the software upgrade following your exact directions.
Verizon: Yeah, that's also somehow not our fault. We're going to do a factory reset, which will erase all your shit. Then you won't have to worry about your phone finding it!
Me: Yeah, I know. That's why I backed up all my shit before I came in here.

[Side note: factory reset fixed the alarm, but it still can't find half my pictures and shit without having to reboot. Each time. The HTC CrapShoot™, only at Verizon.]

Pretty much every day of my life, I'm trying to type completely normal stuff like "snark" and my phone is all "you must've meant SmarTone-Vodafone. I'll go ahead and fix that for you" (true story. Also: what the fuck?). But if I type something like "i'm" and expect autocorrect to capitalize it for me, it goes "wow, what a fascinating new word that's completely unlike the exact thing I suggested when you typed it! Let me add that to your user dictionary!" Autocorrect is a dick.

Although, sometimes it does get me.

Of course, the factory reset wiped out my user dictionary, too, but in the couple of weeks since then, these are all the words that I've taught it:

Amibrawla
ass
asshole
awesomeface
Brawla
cheesecake
crap
Dalek
damn
derby
dumbfuckery
eesh
FTW
fuck
fucked
fucking
fucktard
Grond
Hoolies
Hooligans
jammer
kilt
kofta
mattar
motherfucking
nerdpoints
OMG
ooOOO
palak
paneer
quoi
Sana
shit
Sontar-ha
TARDIS
Tennant
tofu
veggie
WTF
ZOMG

Based just on this list, you'd think that I was some kind of vegetarian roller derby nerd who spends all his time watching Doctor Who while eating Indian food and cursing. And you'd be pretty much exactly right. Way to go, my integrity.