Thursday, April 25, 2013

I read it in the paper, so it must be true.

I'm not sure if we've hit some kind of weird generation cycle on the interwebs, or if it's suddenly 1998 again, but in the past week or so, I've seen like a shitzillion posts about things like the Robin Williams peace plan, lottery winners giving out millions of dollars if you share their pictures on Facebook, and Super Venom Ass Spiders. We're just a gas station AIDS needle and a stolen kidney/bathtub full of ice away from fucking Snopes bingo, people.

Apparently, all you have to do is attribute the story to somebody vaguely influential and maybe add a picture, and people will believe it, no matter how batshit crazy it is. Here's how it works:

Everybody needs to read this RIGHT NOW! It will blow your mind!

Historians at Humboldt University in Berlin have just discovered a cache of lost documents from before the Second World War. The following is a speech that Adolf Hitler gave in Berlin on August 31, 1939 (translated from German, of course).

This picture of Hitler giving a speech totally proves that he actually said all this.
"My fellow Germans, I have a few things I would like to share with you on this beautiful late summer day.

I really like unicorns and rainbows. Also flowers and happiness. I think everybody in the world should be allowed to live the way they want without being discriminated against by bigoted ass clowns.

Last night, I had this awesome dream about wizards. There was this little boy in England who was attacked by an evil wizard, but he didn't die because PROTECTION MAGIC, BITCHEZ! The spell reflected back and hit the evil wizard instead, so now everybody thinks he's dead, but he's not, and he wants to come back to kill the boy. I think I'll write a book or seven about it.

Also also, I had this great idea for this thing made out of electricity and silicon that will allow people around the entire world to have instant access to information and pictures of adorable cats.

Finally, with the weekend coming, I urge everyone to be careful and not do anything foolish, like invade Poland or commit the worst genocide in the history of humankind."

And that's how Hitler wasn't a genocidal fuckhead and also wrote Harry Potter and invented the Internet.
P.S. If you don't share this with everyone forever, you hate puppies and love cancer.

P.P.S. Facebook is going to start charging this summer, but it will stay free for you if you hit Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Enter on your profile page.

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