There's an obvious Anne Rice joke here, but I'm pretending like I'm above that sort of thing.

Every once in a while, I get this unnatural urge to read one of the Twilight books. It usually happens because I hear someone gushing about them, or because another movie comes out and America's collective ADD goes "ooh, shiny!" Or because I go on a major rant about how stupid they are, and my pretend integrity is all like, "you shouldn't make fun of them if you haven't even read them," because my integrity is kind of a masochist. And an asshole.

Anyway, I hear about it, and I just go "that can't be real, can it?" I always find myself wondering how something that sounds that absolutely terrible could become that popular. Then I remember growing up in the '80s. I kind of expect that, 20 years from now, everyone will look back and go "Fuck. What the hell was I thinking?" WTF, 50 million Elvis Twilight fans? But inevitably, it occurs to me that, just by those sheer numbers, Stephenie Meyer has probably made more money off of this than I could even imagine. Then I just end up drinking until I forget about the whole thing.

It's sort of like when you first hear about sticking your tongue on the flagpole in the winter, and you're not sure whether or not to believe it. You know that it's probably just going to be painful and embarrassing–especially when somebody sees you doing it–but you're still like I have to know. I keep trying to talk to people who like the series so I can get around actually reading it, but so far, every single one of these conversation has gone like this:

Twilight Fan: Twilight!
Me: So they're vampires, but they're glittery? What's the plot?
TF: Team Edward!
Me: Aren't vampires horrible, undead creatures that need to drink human blood to survive?
TF: I just want someone like Edward to transform me into a vampire and love me for all eternity.
Me: You realize that's basically the same as dating a giant mosquito, right? Or maybe a wolverine.
TF: Nobody understands me.
Me: Maybe that's because you want to have sex with this:

There's no glitter on Team Christopher Lee, but I'd still
pick him over Edward. Plus, he also plays a wizard.
Wait, so does Robert Pattinson. Fuck.

Seriously, I'm going to buy you a wolverine. It's for your own good.

Apparently, we've met.

You know it's bad when even spellcheck starts making the joke.

Fuck.

I wanna burn all of your cities to the ground.

This exchange happens almost every single day. I blame you.

Some day that people have to work, 8 AM:
Dear Jake: Someone you went to high school with, but haven't seen in ten years has started playing [insert any noun in the fucking English language]ville! We think that this is the most important and exciting part of your day! From now on, we will send you an update every time this asshole clicks, blinks, or breathes while using Facebook! You're welcome! Sincerely, Zynga, probably.

Me: X

Dear Jake: We've noticed that you clicked "X." However, it is not possible to hide this application at this time because we hate you. Please wait until we send you this exact same notification five minutes from now. Sincerely, Zynga again.

The same day, 12:30 PM:
Dear Jake: We've bought an unabridged dictionary, and are using every noun in the English language to expand the "-ville" series! In addition to classic games such as Mafiaville, Farmville, and Dumbville, you will soon be able to enjoy games such as Pilcrowville and Vibrissaville! And don't worry about missing a single update we're upgrading to new servers built on the ashes of 1000 acres of rainforest! These ultra-powerful servers run on unicorn blood, and we promise you won't ever have to see a single relevant item in your news feed again! Sincerely, the kind of people who would probably actually do this.

Still the same day, 2 PM:
Dear Jake: We're not entirely convinced that any of your friends have jobs. If they do, you should consider applying for a position wherever they work. You don't actually have to do stuff there. Ever. Also, here are four hundred more updates on Nounville. P.S. You can hide them, but tomorrow we're changing "-ville" to "City" and re-releasing every game you've ever hidden. You're welcome. Sincerely, the people who have made more money off of this than you will in earn your entire fucking life.

My favorite part is that Dumbville was actually a real game. You apparently start out as the village idiot, and try to eventually become the Mayor of Dumbville. I'm pretty sure you actually win just by playing. Then again, I'm into irony like that.

I don't think people are ready for the rifle I'm delivering...

Normally, I wouldn't get around to anything making fun of Charlie Sheen for several more months—until the trend was well past—but I had some kind of laughing seizure when I saw this, so I had to force it on you share. And anyway, if you're seeing it here, it can't be far from the meme graveyard ("I don't want to go on the cart!")

"I am on a drug. It's called Jake. If you try it once, you will spontaneously combust. Your pancreas will melt off, and your cousins will levitate over your disemboweled body ... I'm tired of pretending like I'm not hammerized—a total freaking librarian from Pluto. Yes, Pluto. It's a planet. Fuck you. I've got ferret blood, who was the Greek god of wanking? Him DNA! ... They picked a fight with a flying monkey. They're trying to take all my hernias and leave me with no means to vomit my family. It's not meteorology! They owe me an apology while humping my ankle ... I don't think people are ready for the rifle I'm delivering, and delivering with a sense of Republican love. I exposed litter boxes to magic! Here's your bile test! Next one goes in your nostril!"

I'm going to start using "with a sense of Republican love." Actually, I don't know what the hell that even means, but apparently it involves rifles, which sounds about right. Anyway, real content tomorrow. Maybe.